I think I listen to her about what happend about her. = I think I should listen to her about what happened.
“Happend” → “happened.” “About her” is unnecessary; use “what happened.”

There should be a reason or accident that makes my friend sad. = There must be a reason or event that made my friend sad.
 “Accident” is too specific; “event” is more natural. Use past tense “made.”

Then, I try to emphasize with her and give her a solution to this. = Then, I try to empathize with her and offer a solution.
 “Emphasize” → “empathize.” “Give her a solution to this” → “offer a solution” sounds more natural.

There are several reason for this. = There are several reasons for this.
 “Reason” → plural “reasons.”

luck is the chance to amplify my success. = Luck is the chance to enhance your success.
 “My success” → more general “your success” fits academic tone; “amplify” → “enhance” is smoother.

Unless you're ready to prove yourself through hard work, you cannot catch the opportunity when luck comes to you suddenly. = Unless you are ready to prove yourself through hard work, you cannot seize an opportunity when luck comes unexpectedly.
“Catch the opportunity” → “seize an opportunity,” “suddenly” → “unexpectedly” for smoother phrasing.

your competency is made not by fortune but by effort. = Your skills are developed not by fortune but by effort.
“Competency is made” → “skills are developed” is more natural.

Thorough effort and practice make you competent and well developed. = Consistent effort and practice make you skilled and well-prepared.
“Thorough effort” → “consistent effort,” “well developed” → “well-prepared.”

For instance, as a athelete, you should practice hard not focusing on the fortune of other athelets' bad plays. = For instance, as an athlete, you should practice hard rather than rely on the mistakes of other athletes.
“A athelete” → “an athlete,” simplified phrasing for clarity.

For these reasons, I think success is mostly determined by your effort, not the fortune. = For these reasons, I believe success is determined mostly by effort, not by luck.
 “Fortune” → “luck,” smoother academic tone

Your essay clearly argues that hard work matters more than luck, and your examples support this well. The structure is organized, but some sentences are wordy, and words like “luck” and “effort” are repeated. The athlete example is good but could better show that hard work creates the chance to benefit from luck.
Try this:
I believe that success is mostly determined by hard work rather than luck. First, luck can only help those who are prepared. Without effort, opportunities may be missed or wasted. Second, skills and abilities are developed through consistent practice and dedication, not by chance. For example, an athlete must train hard every day instead of relying on the mistakes of others to succeed. For these reasons, I believe that effort is the main factor in achieving success, while luck plays only a supporting role.